


Bernard Black: The doctor who had enough

by JustSomeGuy2099



Category: Black Books, Doctor Who
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8210486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustSomeGuy2099/pseuds/JustSomeGuy2099
Summary: What would happen if it was revealed that Bernard Black was in fact the latest incarnation of the doctor but instead of going on wild adventures, he simply decided to stay in London and open a bookshop? Bernard is a cynical character so to picture him in the shoes of the doctor is what I tried to do here. If you don't know who Bernard Black is or have never seen Black books, I highly recommend you watch Black books since a lot of the smaller jokes in here mirror some of the humor found in that show. The show can be found on youtube for free. Hope you enjoy.





	

As the sun rises on another day, Manny decides to clean out the backyard so as to maybe hold a barbecue in the last days of summer. He finds several dead animals among some cheap brand wine bottles until he reaches a large towering mass covered in vines and litter. Once he clears it out, he realizes it’s an old style police box with working lights. Manny goes inside where Bernie and Fran are talking about the new restaurant that opened down the street.

Manny: “Bernard, there’s an old police box in your backyard. Any idea what it’s doing there?”

Bernard: “Oh that old thing! That’s how I arrived here in London.”

Fran: “Through a police call box? Care to explain?”

Bernard: “I just got in, came here and met Gerald and his then girlfriend. They found me unconscious in that very backyard and after they helped me up they then gave me the place.”

Manny: “Wait, they just gave you the place? why would they do that?”

Bernard: “Oh something about this place being passed down Gerald’s family but with his career as an author and hopes to start a family, he said he couldn’t manage this place anymore so instead of selling, he just gave it to me.”

Fran: “Was it your idea or his to turn this place into a bookshop?”

Bernard: “His, he found a vast collection of books inside that box in the back so he figured why not sell them? I didn’t need them and it was a quick easy way to make some money. One thing led to another and here we are.”

Manny: “Wait, so if you sold books that were inside that police box, does that mean you still have the key to it?”

Bernard: “I guess, it’s here somewhere.”

After an hour of rummaging through his desk and it’s various drawers, Bernard found nothing until Fran tells Bernard to check the last place he’d expect to find it. Upon which, Bernard goes up to Manny and runs his hand through Manny’s hair until he pulls out a small keyring with a single key attached to it.

Manny: “How did you do that?”

Bernard: “I don’t know, it’s your hair.”

While Manny sends his own hands through his hair to find what else is there, Fran gets up excitedly to see what’s in the police box in the backyard. Bernard leads the way and as he opens the door, a massive golden shroud of dust splashes through them. Fran and Bernard are left coughing while Manny catches up and reveals the sonic screwdriver in his hand and says:

Manny: “Bernard, what’s this?”

Bernard: “Oh, I missed that! (taking the screwdriver from Manny’s hand) Ah, this would get me out of so many problems. There was a point where I tried to replace this with sunglasses, God what was I thinking?”

As Bernard rolls the screwdriver around in his hands, he walks inside the T.A.R.D.I.S and walks towards the main station where the controls are. Fran and Manny follow shortly after, mouths wide open at the incredible sight before them.

Fran: “It…It’s bigger on the inside..”

Bernard: “Well of course it is, haven’t you seen one of these before?”

Both Manny and Fran nod their heads “no”, still with their mouths wide open. Bernard was lost trying to remember something he knew he was forgetting when it suddenly hit him. He snapped his fingers and the front doors closed. Manny and Fran look back and each other. Manny is now panicking.

Manny: “Oh god, Fran I knew it! Bernard’s some sort of smuggler and now he’s gonna sell our organs!”

Fran takes out a cigarette, lights it and leans against the closed doors. After blowing a puff of smoke, she says:

Fran: “Honestly, Manny what did you expect? Bernard isn’t exactly the same as common folk around here. I never thought he’d be a smuggler but I didn’t rule it out.”

Bernard: “Oh will you two shut up! I’m not a smuggler, I’m trying to remember what I did before I landed here.”

Manny: “Speaking of which, what is this place Bernard? where are we?”

Fran, chuckling now, says: “Maybe it’s some sort of grand time machine, it certainly has that 70′s era aesthetic.”

Bernard: “Yes, that’s it! That’s it Fran! This is a time machine that can go through time and space.”

Fran: “That’s impossible, time machines don’t exist. Even the guys at CERN couldn’t make a time machine and you expect me to believe that you have one sitting in your backyard? You, who couldn’t handle doing his taxes alone?

Bernard: “Touche, but if you don’t believe me then let me show you!”

Bernard ran to the controls, frantically pulling any and levers around him until the lights above began swirling rhythmically above him. Manny had to hold onto the nearest pole while moaning to himself, afraid of what was to come. “What did I get myself into? All I wanted was a nice summer barbecue” he thought to himself.

The T.A.R.D.I.S. stopped motion after a few minutes and everything was still, Fran was now on the floor, simply gazing at the ceiling while her cigarette was near it’s end. Bernard jumps toward his dazed companions and tells them:

Bernard: “I’ll show you I’m not a smuggler! here, open the doors.”

Manny: “No!”

Bernard: “No? why not?”

Manny: “Your foreign cartel must be on the other side and this must be where you keep all the people you kidnap!”

Bernard: “Oh will you shut up about that! I told you I’m not a smuggler. Here, I’ll show you.”

Bernard starts taking strides towards the door while Fran and Manny both stare at the man they previously knew as Bernard walk towards the unknown beyond the front doors.  
Bernard opens the left door and turns back saying: “There, see? I told you this was a time machine.”

Fran and Manny stand up and walk cautiously towards the door where Bernard stood. They looked outside and couldn’t believe what they saw.

Manny: “It’s….the moon.”

Fran: “No, No, that’s impossible. That’s impossible, there’s no way we could be on the moon, if we were on the moon we’d be dead. There’s no oxygen on the moon. It must be a trick or we must have been drugged.”

Bernard: “Oh that, yeah there’s no need to worry about that. There’s a bubble thing that forms around the …uh.. the uhh.. The T.A.R.D.I.S! That’s what it’s called. Yeah a bubble forms around it to support breathable air if it ever lands in a place that has no breathable air.”

Manny: “I don’t believe you, this has to be a trick.”

Bernard, now stomping towards the door tells Manny: “For God’s sake! There, see that small bloke out there with the flag? Who’s that?”

Fran: “No, it can’t….”

However, it wasn’t until the astronaut then makes the iconic planting of the flag and then hops over to the spacecraft that both Manny and Fran step back inside, hands over their mouths.

Manny, pointing at Bernard says : “You’re a time traveler”

Bernard: “Well, yes but the exact word is Time lord still traveler, lord it’s all the same.”

Fran: “Bernard! You had this sitting in the backyard all this time?! You could have prevented world war 2! You could have saved Camus from the car crash, you could have saved Marilyn Monroe!”

Bernard: “Oh no no! I’ve already learned my lesson, tampering with the past always brings about new consequences. I’ve done that enough and had to deal with a lot of crap. I’m not doing anything like that again.”

Manny: “But Bernard, you said this can travel through time and space right? Does that mean, you’ve met aliens before?”

Bernard: “Well, of course I have. Some of them are lovely but some of them are absolute wankers.”

Fran: “Why did you stop and stay in London?”

Bernard: “I don’t know, now that you mention it some of the places I went to were quite nice. Let’s try going to some of them.”

Manny: “Hurray! Field Trip!”

The lights above swirled again at a faster rate while the two new passengers braced for what was coming. The lights stopped as was expected but the large machine made a huge thump as it landed. Curious to see what might have caused this, Bernard goes to the doors first to look outside. What he sees is a civilization overrun by the infamous Daleks. The local population are evacuating as quickly as possible with the Daleks in close pursuit. That is until they notice the new blue object out in the open of a red barren desert. Simultaneously, all of the Daleks in the sky as well as some from the city converge on the T.A.R.D.I.S.

All the Daleks soon surround the T.A.R.D.I.S. when a distinctive red dalek emerges from the surrounding legion and says “The doctor! Leave the T.A.R.D.I.S. immediately or we will exterminate you along with it!”

Bernard: “Oh piss off!” and with that closes the door, locks it and walks to the controls again to set a course for earth again.

Fran: “What happened? are we not going outside?”

Bernard: “No, I remember now why I stopped at London. There will be no more trips or travel.”

Manny: “Aww”

Bernard swings around and points at Manny, saying “Don’t give me those puppy eyes.”

The lights above swirled one last time and luckily, thanks to Bernard’s sudden appearance, the natives of that civilization had enough time to jump to warp speed and escape the clutches of the Daleks. At last, they arrived home again. Fran and Manny exit the police call box with looks of exhaustion disappointment on their faces. Fran says her goodbyes and leaves but before Manny could do the same, Bernard calls out to him and says: “On the left wall, there’s a piece that’s loose, turn it to the left won’t you?”

Manny walks over, curious what might be in store and was delighted to find a pop out barbecue, already hot and sizzling from what’s beneath it.

Bernard: “It uses the engine as fire, I’ll call Fran to bring over some steaks and wine at least.” but before Bernard, Manny says: “Bernard, why did you give it up? The time travel and all. A life like that could have unlimited adventures.”

Bernard, walking back towards Manny with hands in his pockets, looks at Manny and says: “I’ve spent several hundred years doing exactly that and believe it or not, even the unpredictable can get pretty dull sometimes. I wanted a change a pace for once and not have to worry about comes through my door, whether it was a nuisance of a companion who doesn’t listen or some old threat that just refuses to die. I figured staying in one spot for a while and simply taking in the local way of doing things wouldn’t be so bad for a while.”

Manny: “But you also had all sorts of books in there! There was probably knowledge that could propel us into a prosperous future Bernard!”

Bernard: “Maybe, but it’s not my place to do so. It’s why I decided to sell those books like Gerald suggested. Hopefully, someone finds one of those advanced books and decides to do the work for me. It reminds me of this man I once met, he was a physicist, a nice fellow really. He once told me, what makes books so incredible is that “Across the Millennium, an author is speaking clearly ad silently inside your head. Citizens of different epochs. Books break the shackles of time.” In reality, I don’t need to do anything, I’m not your chaperone, I’m not your god nor should I be. If humanity wants to stop all wars and become more advanced, they’re gonna have to do it on their own. I’m done.”

Bernard steps into his store again, leaving Manny standing alone with the T.A.R.D.I.S. He looks up at the sky and thinks to himself “You say that now Bernard, but for some reason you’ve still kept this thing around.” and with that Manny steps inside to help Bernard and Fran prepare the steaks for grilling.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> If you don’t know what Black books is, it’s basically a British sitcom with slightly dark/ cynical humor. You can find it on youtube by searching "Black Books full episodes"
> 
> P.S. The physicist that was briefly mentioned here was Carl Sagan and the quote can be found here in web comic form: http://zenpencils.com/comic/63-carl-sagan-books-are-awesome/


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